Sunday, March 18, 2007

Dream About Death

Two weeks ago, I dreamt that I was at the brink of death. Nazak, to put it that way. Actually, in that dream, I felt perfectly ok but when I looked into the mirror, I saw a deadly pale face with white lips and grayish eyes. If you know how dead people look.

Of course many would say, that dreaming about dying only means you are going to live a little bit longer than you imagine you would. Haha. My question is - are you God?

Anyway, I just want to share the significance of that dream. How do you feel when you realize that any minutes now, the Angel of Death is going to come and take your soul away? In my case, maybe rip it off in such agony that no mortal can stand? But souls are immortal. Whether they can stand it or not, we all have to face the pains of death.

Then all the moments in your life flash back in front of your eyes - all the solat you left intentionally or unintentionally. All the excuses you gave to justify your guilty conscience. Can you fill a few minutes or even seconds to qada or replace the forgotten solat? What about lies? We all tell lies now and then. Will I leave this world with the word 'Munafiq' stamped on my forehead?

Then you try to think fast whether you have carried out your duty as daughter / sister / wife / employee as you should. You think about the days when you come in late for work and when you are dying, you can see it clearly that those aren't just minutes that are ok, but a breach of duty that translates into rezki that might be haram. So will I get whips of fire for that? What about the calls I should make to my family? Now, dah tak sempat.

The best part is as you wait frantically playing the kalimah of shahadah at the tips of your tongue so you won't forget it when Angel of Death comes, you think whether you have committed any offense to others. How in heaven are you going to seek for forgiveness when you are on deathbed? If you can't, how are you going to heaven anyway?

Sins are not a light subject when you are dying. You can't help but think about what you have done and how you regret spending your life doing wasteful things or negliging your duties as God's servant. You try not to think about the pain you are about to face. You try not to imagine the Angel of Death's face. There's only fear and regret that I felt in my dream.

I am terrified of death. I am terrified because I know I'm not ready to go to the Hereafter. I am afraid of darkness, yet my grave will be a dark place. I am claustrophobic (fear of being in a small, shut space), but my grave will be so narrow it will break my bones. I am afraid of getting hurt because the wound stings and throbs like nobody's business, but in the grave, Dark Angels wait with whips and mammoth-sized poisonous animals for people who committed sins.

And didn't God promise that all amalan (deeds), good or bad, small or big, will be rewarded accordingly? Even the smallest deed, as big as a molecule?

Have you dreamed about death?