Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The Words in the Communicator's Rather Messed Up Head

I have the urge to blog at this particular moment, regardless of how bogged down I am with my works and there'll be a presentation meeting tomorrow of which (paused dramatically), I'm the presenter. Surprisingly, despite the cup of coffee I took this morning, I'm all cool & collected about this presentation stuff (there's a possibility of staying late in the office tonite).

I mean, all these words playing in my head, anxious to be typed down and expressed to the world. When I told my friends that part-and-parcel of being a Gemini is the need to communicate is always there, Jen had pointed out,

'But you're not like that. You're different from Shah (who happen to be a Gemini).'

Jen, I may slow down on my verbal communication, but well, I prefer to communicate my thoughts thru writings, or in this God-forsaken era, thru my blog. Whatever ways it is, I do communicate.

Then again, sometimes I wonder whether I'm at the point of insanity. Nobody would admit talking to themselves, that's nuts. But I do. I have this small part in my brain that NEEDS to judge everything. Judging means you need two sides of the story. So in my brain, there are two parties that always disagree with each other. One party says I'm nuts, the other says naah, I'm just living up to my star sign (refer to the 'Twins' nature of one born under the sign of Gemini).

So a Gemini will always communicate whether there are people or not. If there's such thing as intra-conflict, there's also intra-communication. It's called being introverted who likes to introspect inside one's self. End of story.

And no, that doesn't mean I'm schizophrenic. There's no small, sly voice inside my brain telling me what to do. So please don't be concerned that I should go to the nearest psychiatrist. I am perfectly sane, thank you very much. I never contemplate suicide, that's a sin worthy of eternal hell. Imagining myself falling backwards, arms open and eyes closed into deep, deep ocean when under stress does not count as suicidal thoughts - I just feel like letting go that's it.

I spent a boring weekend settling my accommodation in KL, then flying back to JB and chilling out with close friends talking about nothing and everything, me not contributing much to the thought process because I was so bummed out.

On Christmas day, I went to Skudai to help my friends move into a new house, of which was recommended by me via another group of friends. It's so nice knowing that I have a network of reliable friends and I've learnt my lesson not to take them for granted because over here, friends are closer than family. Without friends, I wouldn't be able to find a replacement house so quickly when my original choice of house was cancelled quite unexpectedly. And certainly without them, I would be sleeping in the office for over one month being a homeless person I am (the joke is turning stale but it's rather entertaining and helps to put the nasty part out of perspective so I can only see it as a joke, period).

Then I spent two days feeding fishes while lost in deep thoughts, only to note that humans are cruel, cheating race. They were not supposed to fish in the lake, but they did and they fished for fun. When the fishes are hauled to dry land, they watched the fish to die a painful death one gasp at a time, let their kids bring the carcass home and chucked it in the bin coz it turned smelly. I hope the fishes spent an equally enjoyable time during the Hereafter doing exactly the same thing to these bunch of inhumane humans. They should be banned from reproducing replicas of themselves of which they teach it's ok to kill animals for fun. Sniff. I'm being environmental-passionate pulak.

Well, I am kinda moody nowadays. The realization that I will be leaving Johor soon has sunk in and I am actually being well-composed of it - the reality is I feel like flinging myself to the ground and howl in desperation, then rolling around throwing a major tantrum because I DON'T WANT TO MOVE.

But move I have to, for the sake of future, and for the fact that I hope that my impending move will be good for everyone - friends and used-to-be friends alike.Things are rather complicated if I stay and thus it signifies that fate wants me to move on with life. Also because of love, I will sacrifice and risk what may come hurtling to me.

Laughing matter or not, I am capable of love rupa2nya. So there you are, the words that can't wait to get out of my head at the moment.