Wednesday, September 29, 2004

A lesson On Being Happy

"Of memories, of truth, of laughter, of tears, of happiness,
and love, and God. So be it"

I want nothing else better than to be accepted as I am. A girl with her own mind, her own personality, her own strengths, and her own weaknesses.

As a child, I lurked under the shadow of my sister. She was my first idol, and I tried desperately to be like her in every way. When she started school, I couldn't wait to go to school as well, to the extent that when she came back from school, I would grabbed her books and read them.

But when I started school myself, I was first stung with envy that changed me forever. School taught me such things as comparison. I was constantly compared with her until I no longer wanted to imitate my sister, but to break away, and be my own self.

I moulded my own personality. I wanted to be different in every ways so nobody could say who is better than who. Whereas my sister is everything a girl ought to be, I was the totally opposite. I liked blue when my sister prefered pink, I played catch when my sister played 'batu seremban' and until now, I never learnt to play the game properly, or to play 'tali' either. It was more fun running around with the boys and some other girls than to sit demurely in a group, throwing pebbles in the air.

There was a time when a History teacher, despaired at the lack of interest shown by me in the subject, sarcastically belittled me and showered praises at my sister. It was true that I played truant every time we had History and Geography, but she needn't have to drag my sister's name in the issue.

I showed rebel by never showing up for her class anymore until she predicted that I would fail History in Form 3. Somehow, I proved her wrong and went on to pass both Geography and History with flying colors. She couldn't understand that. And she couldn't understand the psychology of a child, of how it hurt to be compared to your dearest sibling.

I couldn't forget that incident. I grew up to be a strong-minded person, with a take-it-or-leave-it attitude. You either take me as I am, or never know me at all. Any attempts to change me will only reinforce the defensive feeling that I have.

I want people to understand that although I can eventually be bended to other people's will, I couldn't feel happy myself. My company tries to make me an obedient employee, who adheres to ridiculous rules and regulations, tries to control communication flow when I am in nature a person who speaks my mind, and tries to turn me into a somebody that I'm not. That's why I hate my work right now.

People try to tell me how I should act, how I should dress, how I should speak, until eventually I get suffocated and walk off never to be near them again. Even if I still have to come back to them, I wouldn't be happy again.

I know they do this because they love me, because they think it's for the best of me, or some even went to the extent to tell me, because they want me to be that way, but I have only this to say.

I've been like this, and I'm happy as I am. Why change me, and make me unhappy? Is it worth it to have me modeled according to their expectations, but in the mean time, to lose my affection along the way? Or do they prefer that I put up a pretense in front of them all the time? To act like this, to show myself in a mask, to pretend to be someone who I'm not?

Why not in the first place, find a genuine person who can act genuinely as they wish it to be?

All these questions without answers. Someone, please, tell them to stop.